Movie Review #21: Logan 

Yea I snuck in some good ole fashioned Skittles and was waiting for this. Man oh man. If you’re a Marvel Comics fan and an action movie fan, you MUST see this movie. Let’s get into it. 

Hugh Jackman is Logan aka Wolverine  (duh) and the Year is 2039. Logan’s healing factor is failing him and with all the X-Men and mutants dead, Logan has relocated Professor X (Patrick Stewart) to Mexico. Logan has no money, so he works as a Limo driver. When he makes money he buys prescription pills for Professor X through a doctor he meets outside of a hospital. The world has declared Professor X’s mind legally dangerous, so that is why Logan has him in hiding. Professor X is losing his mind without his meds and he tells Logan that there are still mutants in the world to be found. Logan does not believe him however. The movie starts off with a lot of blood and violence and I couldn’t be happier as a Marvel Comics fan. Finally they let Wolverine loose. I know with the success of Deadpool, the writers realize that it’s okay for superheroes to curse, have sex, drink, do drugs etc. Because quite honestly, little kids aren’t really looking up to superheroes like they did in my day. 

Anywho, Logan is approached by a lady multiple times. Her name is Gabriella (Elizabeth Rodriguez). Logan is annoyed at Gabriella’s persistance so she agrees to pay him $20k if he can help her. She needs Logan to ensure safe passage to her daughter Laura aka X23  (Dafne Keen) to North Dakota. Logan is unaware that Laura is a mutant and he assumes that this will be an easy $20k so he agrees. 

Once Logan tells Professor X of this, The Professor tells Logan that the Laura is much like him. Now the reason why Laura needs to get to safe passage is because, Zander Rice (Richard Grant) is hot on their heels. Zander is experimenting on little kids in Mexico, much like the Weapon X program. Zander hires the Reavers and their leader is Donald Pierce (Boyd Holbrook). The Reavers are half human/half cyborg. 

Now picture Wolverine as a Little girl, but she has retractable claws from her Hands and Feet. She is a lil savage and she does not fuck around. Elise Neal & Eriq LaSalle havr a small part in this film. This movie is very long but worth it. I am not going to tell you more, you will have to see what happens. I give this movie an A-. I would give it a plus but once you watch it, I could tell you my reasoning. 


Movie Review #20: John Wick Chapter 2

Sigh. Well No coupons. No snacks. Arrrrgggghhhh. Anyways this movie was terrible. I mean really bad. Like I fell asleep bad. And the movie critics love this movie. 

Keanu Reeves plays John Wick, an Ex-Hitman who is allegedly out of the game. That is until he receives a blood oath coin from the organization. The head of this organization is an Italian Mafia boss named Santino D’Antoni  (Riccardo Scamarcio). Wick must perform a kill unless due to the rules of the organizations rules. The target? Gianni D’Antoni  (Claudia Gerini). Yes the sister of Santino. 

This movie is not worth doing a full review on. Reeves is slow, out of shape, fat, and ill timed. His acting is terrible and he keeps doing the same arm bar to take down the bad guys over and over. What kind of a hitman is loud? He can’t run, he’s incompetent, he has no personality nor screen presence at all. It’s like that Dave Chappelle skit where he’s making fun of the Matrix. And Keanu Reeves is clueless saying “Dude you totally got me.” Even Laurence Fishburne appearance couldn’t save this. 

Please this isn’t worth watching on an airplane, bootleg, stream, tv, HBO, DVD, vhs, betamax do not watch it. You’d be better off snuggling with Ron Jeremy. Hahahahhahahaah

I give this movie an F-

REBLOG: The Hidden Messages of the movie Get Out


Two men walk into two separate movie theaters to see the same movie, and come out seeing two different things. This shows you how incredible Jordan Peele’s new masterpiece film ‘Get Out’ is. Me and Tareau of the couch sports sat down to have a long deep conversation about the nuance and innuendo in that film. From a historical standpoint, I drop some knowledge on the importance of certain scenes, and Tareau attacks every scene from a deeply intellectual standpoint. Me and Tareau absolutely slaughter this review, and this review is a classic for the ages. You do not want to miss the depth of this movie review. Its long as hell, but worth every minute if you’ve watched the film and need some perspective.

Warning ⚠ This review is completely filled with spoilers, we will ruin your hopes of not knowing what the film plot is. Do not watch if you’ve haven’t seen the film ‘Get Out’. If you simply have no interest of patronizing this film, then have at it. 

The Hidden Messages of ‘Get Out’ –

Movie Review #19: Rock Dog

Snuck in some Butterfinger minis for this one. Rock Dog is an animated film about a young bullmastiff named Bodi (voiced by Luke Wilson) who lives in a remote village in China. His father Khampa  (voiced by J.K. Simmons) is the guardian of the town’s inhabitants who are sheep. Long ago the village would make music until one day, the evil wolves decided to attack. The wolves leader is named Linnux (voiced by Lewis Black) is hell bent on eating all the sheep in the Village, but lost a previous battle with Khampa and have been plotting his revenge ever since his defeat.

Khampa is trying to teach Bodi how to fight and protect the sheep. Jodi has other ambitions of being a kick ads guitar player, after Khampa banned the village from playing music. A jet flies by and drop a crate containing a radio. And this is the first time that Bodi hears rock music. Bodi is determined to meet the musician he heard on the radio named Angus Scattergood (voiced by Eddie Izzard). Eventually Khampa agrees to send Bodi to the big city in search of his newly found idol. Once Bodi arrives in the city, he heads to a musician park and tries out for a band but ultimately he loses to Trey (voiced by Matt Dillion). After the battle he befriends Darma (voiced by Mae Whitman) and Germur (voiced by  Jorge Garcia) who are 2 of the members of Trey’s band.

Meanwhile Angus is under press from his record label, to come up with a hot new track. In the midst of all this, Bodi is seeking the tutelage of Angus. Also Linnux has sent his goons to follow and capture Bodi hoping to extort information about his father’s operation.

This movie had some cool rock and roll music but that’s it. It was a boring ads cartoon movie and with no attachment or connection with any of the characters. It was way too dry. I give this movie a D. This movie has no replay value and it was not even funny. Not even a lil bit.

Movie Review #18: Get Out 

About time right? I didn’t have time to sneak anything in but I had a coupon for a free medium beverage with the purchase of a medium popcorn.

This movie was a trip. So much to discuss but how do we do that, without giving away what happens? Ok I’ll try.

Daniel Kaluuya sizzles in this film as Chris Washington. A young black photographer who lives a normal life. He lives with his dog, and White girlfriend Rose Armitage (Allison Williams). Chris’s cousin Rod Williams (Lil Rel Howery) is a TSA Agent who checks in with Chris from time to time. You see Chris is nervous to meet his girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her parents live far away from their city in an isolated lakeside area. One reason Chris is reluctant to meet Rose’s family, is due him being a black man. Rose proclaims throughout the beginning of the film that her parents are not “like that” or “they’re not racists”

En Route to Rose’s parents house it is revealed that Chris smokes cigarettes. They also hit a deer. Typical black guy scenario happens next when the police is summoned to investigate the accident. (Brothas we all been here at this scene). Finally they arrived at the families house only for Chris to be put in several awkward moments as a black man. Chris also notice that the servants at the Armitage’s house are black and very “Weird” 

Dean Armitage (Bradley Whitford) and Missy Armitage (Catherine Kenner) are Rose’s parents. Dean is a neurosurgeon and Missy is a psycho (whoops psychiatrist) 😁 reassure Chris that he is safe with their family and that they are not racists. Later at dinner, Rose’s brother Jeremy Armitage  (Caleb Landry Jones) joins them and he seems extremely drunk and odd. To unwind after dinner, Chris sneaks outside to smoke a cigarette, but thats when he notices, the black male servant named Walter (Marcus Henderson) running at him at full speed only to go right pass Chris. Chris tries to sneak back into the house but Missy convinces him to sit down and talk with him about his past to help him quit smoking. As she stirs the spoon in the tea cup, Chris becomes hypnotized and the prompt for him is to sink in to the floor.

Morning comes and Chris tries to explain to Rose the horrors he is facing at her parents house as a black male, but she keeps downplaying everything or being oblivious. Later in the day, it is revealed that the family will be inviting friends over to celebrate the Armitage’s Grandfather anniversary of his passing. Again, Chris notices the female black servant named Georgina (Betty Gabriel) acting strange. She intentionally unplugs his phone charger while cleaning. Anyways during the day, Chris is paraded around like a black piece of meat on the auction block to the obvious oblivion of Rose’s ignorance. Chris sees another black man named  Logan (Keith Stanfield) at the gathering and tries to exchange pleasantries. Logan too, comes off weird and disconnected. When Chris takes a flash photo of Logan, It sends Logan into a phase where his nose starts to bleed and he starts attacking Chris telling him to Get out! Get out! The Armitage family downplays this out burst as a seizure causes by the flash. Immediately, Chris calls his cousin Rod and tells him the horrifying stories of his stay this far, and sends him a photo of Logan. 

Ok imma stop it there because I will be giving away everything else that happens after that. This was a great thriller and it does address many covert racism hiding within the white populous. Voting for Barack Obama does not make you down or gives you street cred or a hood pass. This movie is filled with many of those scenarios. I give this movie an A. Only reason why I didn’t give it an A+ is because they could have used a prettier white girl for Chris. Hahahahahhahahaha petty alert✌.

Movie Review #17: Fist Fight 

Ok you know how Valentines Day was on the 14th, right? So what I did was, I went to Walgreens and purchased alot of the Valentines Candy that was 80% off. What? I had all kinds of chocolates and caramels and I only paid $3 for them. Hahahahahah.

Well Fist Fight was an original concept. A punk ass, pansy, weak teacher by the name of Andy Campbell  (Charlie Day), works as an English Teacher at a Roosevelt High School. It happens to be the last day of school, and the Senior pranks are at an all time high. Not only that, the teachers are going through a review to see if they keep their job. The principal named Richard Tyler (Dean Norris) must fire 30 teachers to save money on the budget. Every teacher is shitting bricks, wondering if they’ll keep their job.

Now the school doesn’t care about the students, except for on teacher. Mr. Ron Strickland (Ice Cube). A no nonsense, bad ass teacher who does not give a f!@%. Everyone is terrified of him. Even the teachers. Now conflict is brewing when Mr. Strickland asks Mr Campbell to help him out with an A/V problem in his class. He can’t get a VHS to work. Mr. Campbell finds out that one of his students has a remote control app on his phone, and has been pranking Mr. Strickland. Mr. Strickland immediately gets and axe and starts chopping the kids desk up. Hilarious right?

So to make matters worse Principal Tyler hears about the incident and is threatening to fire one of the teachers. It is there where Mr. Campbell snitches on Mr. Strickland to keep his job.Thats where it begins. Fist Fight after school 3pm. Snitches get stitches.

So throughout the movie, Mr. Campbell confides in his 2 teacher friends. Coach Coward (Tracy Morgan) a Coach/Gym Teacher who has knowledge about the streets and fistfights and Counselor Holly (Jillian Bell) a drug using, pedophile, guidance counselor. They give him several tips on what to do in a fight. Not only that, Mr. Campbell’s wife Maggie (JoAnna Garcia) is pregnant and due any moment and she is taking their 8 year old daughter shopping for a talent show all day.

This movie has parts where it drags on and kinds of bores down, but the talent show scene is comedic classic. I’m not gonna tell you who won the fight, but the talent show is worth watching this whole movie. I give this movie a B-. It could of been a little shorter and it dragged on, and they never explained Mr. Strickland’s reasoning for being so angry. They just had theories about his past. All in all, go see this movie, laugh. It’s something to do.

Movie Review #16: The Lego Batman Movie

Lmfao, I’m still in tears because of this movie. Wait but hold on! Y’all don’t believe me about sneaking food in, huh?

Yea, with the sauce too! What? Yea I said it. Them Egg Rolls didn’t make it past the pre-previews. You know what I’m talking about? How you go watch a movie, and the are showing games and TV shows and the movie lights are still on? No one out pettys the “PETTYKANG” 
Anyways, this movie had me in tears. How the hell is Batman, gonna talk ish the first 57 seconds of the movie? Please go see this in 3d too. It is awesome. Ok so the story is Batman (voiced by Will Arnett) is obviously lonely and needs to get a sense of familial ties. Due to him being an orphan, he never let anyone close to him. Alfred (voiced by Ralph Fiennes) suggests that Batman needs to develop a relationship with a lady and start having kids. Batman talks shit the whole movie about not needing anyone. Anyways, while protecting Gotham from the Joker (voiced by Zach Galifianakis), Joker is hell bent on not only destroying the city but, getting Batman’s approval that Batman and the Joker can not coexist without each other. In other words, Joker is saying that Batman needs him. Quickly, Batman shuts that down and tells Joker that he is “Fighting multiple people at once and that he can’t commit to just having one nemesis” I was in tears with all the innuendo going on. 

Meanwhile Commissioner Gordon (voiced by Hector Elizondo) is having a retiring party and the new Police Commissioner will be his daughter, Barbara Gordon aka Batgirl (voiced by Rosario Dawson). While at the ball, Batman befriends a young orphan boy named Dick Grayson aka Robin (voiced by Michael Cera) and agrees to adopt him due to Batman being overly attracted to Barbara Gordon. 

Now the plot thickens when Barbara, suggests to Gotham City that they don’t need Batman because she has a degree and she knows crime statistics. She also points out that all of Batman’s enemies are still on the loose and that Gotham City is the most crime riddled city in the world, with Batman. The Joker has a diabolical plan to get arrested and for to jail, knowing Batman will send him to the Phantom Zone, Joker can hire, “Dependable Bad Guys.” 

This movie talks multiple shots at Superman, Iron Man, and other Superheroes. Btw the cheesy music and little side jokes are hilarious. Did you know Batman doesn’t pay his taxes? Shhhhhhhh. This movie is an A and the reason why it doesn’t get an A+, is because Batman is just an asshole with too much money and unlimited resources and he doesn’t pay taxes. If you shot Batman in the head, he would die. He’s no (let’s see, just off the top of my head) Wolverine. Take that Dave.

Movie Review #15: A Dog’s Purpose 


Been a while, right? Yes it has. Well the movies that are out now, honestly I don’t care for. I wanted to see this movie for a while now, but the timing was difficult, due to my work schedule. So I made time. (What did you sneak in Tareau?) Reece’s mini’s and a bottle water. I also had a dollar off on the slushy, so I used that. Ha. Anyways A Dog’s Purpose is an excellent film. I am no way a dog lover. I like dogs, but I don’t love em. I prefer cats. The film is about a dog whose original name is Bailey (voiced by Josh Gad) a red retriever who is searching for his purpose in life. After a rough start as an orphan, Bailey is adopted by a little boy named Ethan (young Ethan played by Bryce Gheisar). Ethan is a charismatic, young boy who lives in Middle America during the early 1960s. His mother is a homemaker named Elizabeth Montgomery  (Juliet Rylance) and his father is a door to door salesman who also is surly and has a drinking problem. His name is Jim Montgomery  (Luke Montgomery). Young Ethan convinces his parents to let him keep the stray dog and typical hilarity ensues. From butt jokes, to sneaking food, to getting into dog mischief. The movie is very predictable but it’s a calm and warmth predictability. The movie takes a interesting turn when Ethan (now older) and he meets his love interest at a fair named Hannah (Britt Robertson). With the help of Bailey, Ethan works up enough courage to ask Hannah. The story slows down a little bit, and you see the young stars fall in love and are inseparable. Ethan is also being scouted to play football at Michigan State and his life couldn’t be better. Unfortunately Ethan gets into a fight with his dad, who had just beat up Mrs. Montgomery and not only that, Ethan has a jealous friend who sets Ethan’s house on fire. Ethan breaks his foot escaping the fire, and his quarterback dreams are shattered. He breaks up with Hannah and decides to go to agricultural college to learn the family business. Bailey in the mean time gets old and passes away.

Don’t be too sad because Bailey is resurrected 5 times in this Film and he ultimately serves his purpose as a dog. Just to be there for his human companion. This movie had real scenarios from Domestic Violence, Spousal Abuse, Negligence, Loneliness, and Alcoholism. But it had a lot of brilliant emotions as well. Hope, laughter, bonding, community, love, and companionship. I personally give this movie a B+. It would have received and A- but my pettiness won’t allow me to do it because the bash cats throughout the film. Great movie for mature children. It is very slow but worth it.

Movie Review #14: Sleepless



Ok sooooooooooo. Sigh. Despite getting free popcorn and sneaking in my usual Mike and Ike’s, I was annoyed at this film. Let’s get right into it. Jaime Foxx stars as Vincent Downs. A divorcee, single father who is a cop for the Las Vegas Police Department. The movie starts off with a bang. A heist. Vincent Downs and his partner and best friend for 20 years Sean Cass (T.I.) are chasing down some guys and immediately starts shooting and ramming their cars. Cass had info on a “drop” containing 25 kilos of cocaine. They end up killing 2 guys and Downs takes a bullet to the face. (What bothered me is he just had a scratch where he was suppose to get shot at, like a knick or a graze).

Las Vegas PD is swarmed with dirty cops and it’s up to Internal Affairs Detective Jennifer Bryant (Michelle Monaghan) and her partner Doug Dennison  (David Harbour) to clean it up. Bryants mission is to prove that Downs and Cass are dirty cops. Meanwhile Downs work has made him an absentee father. His ex wife Dina Smith (Gabrielle Union) who is a nurse, has no trust in Downs ability to co-parent, so she breaks the news to him that she is getting married to someone else. Downs is frustrated and he leaves Dinas work at the hospital with his son Cortez Downs (Markell Watson). En route too Cortezs game, they are ambushed, Downs is stabbed in the stomach and Cortez is kidnapped.

(So mind you he got stabbed on his left side and is sometimes holding his right side sigh)

Downs receives a mysterious phone call from Stanley Rubino (Dermot Mulroney) a casino manager at the Luxus casino that his men has his son, and that the shipment of cocaine he took was his very own. Frantically Downs goes back to his precinct and patches himself up, only to confront his partner Cass for putting his son’s life in danger. Cass claims he didn’t know who the drugs belonged too.

Meanwhile Downs goes to the casino for the exchange only to lose 23 bricks. He hid 23 bricks in the men’s room only to have Detective Bryant retrieve it. She calls her partner Dennison for assistance.

At this point of the movie I am bored. Like I started looking at the curtain patterns.

Ok anyways, it is revealed that the coke wasn’t Rubino‘s. It belonged to a mob family named the Novaks and they are the typical crime syndicate. Rob Novak (Scoot McNairy) is the spokesman/son of the Novak syndicate.

Long story short, Detective Dennison was the mastermind of all this and Jaime Foxx was really deep undercover for 2 years in Internal Affairs.

There I saved you 9o mins. Lmfao. This movie was so clichéd and Jaime Foxx stunk this movie up. He is not believable as a police officer and the chemistry between everyone was real herky jerky. No authenticity whatsoever. Movie gets a D-. 




Movie Review #13 XXX: The return of Xander Cage

Ok I snuck in my usual. Mike and Ike’s. This will not be a long review. What you see is what you get with Vin Diesel. I purposely saw this in 3d because I wanted to fill my blood lust this week. It is what it is. I knew the plot was going to be dumb and Vin Diesel’s acting is never good, but so what? This is the best D+ movie that I’ve ever seen. Hahahahahahaha. The action was great and unnecessary, and the story line was typical. Eye candy, guns, hot chicks, Filipino Assassin’s, Eye candy, Planes, explosions, unrealistic gun fights. Wow what a waste of money. But you knew that Tareau. You knew that. This move would of received a higher grade but it felt like the Fast and the Furious of the sky. Ladies if you love Vin Diesel go see it in 3d because his muscles will be all in ya face. 😔😒. Fellas, if your in to really pretty, model, skinny chick’s, this is the movie for you. (Spoiler ICE Cube Comes Back) Yawn*